a letter to clear things out
my issue has nothing to do with what happened to you yesterday. it was more on the implications of what you did. i remember telling you about this issue already for a while back now.
it started when we made a PACT. it was a PROMISE to do something given a specific time. you promised to do THIS and THAT with ME. then you said that i give you a week, and you'll start working on what we're supposed to do. then you asked for an "extension" till the end of June so that we start by July. I noticed that you can't seem to finish all of these "commitments" that you had. But I totally understood. It was your business and it was sorta inevitable. So there, I let it go. I held on to your promise, though. I was so looking forward to doing things with you, just like what we agreed on.
However, your "commitments" didn't seem to end by the end of June (ironically). I still waited for you, though. My friends invited me to join them, but instead, I declined. Coz I was really looking forward to our own "misadventure" in Makati. So, I had to sacrifice that opportunity.
Then you had to leave for a week. I was kinda clueless if we were still to push through with our plans. Of course I was still looking forward to it. But you had to leave for a week. From that time on, I was already thinking on this big issue: PRIORITIES. I noticed that you do things you want talaga. As in, when needed, you make time for it. Napansin ko yun. Before you left, when we had dinner at Podium, I kinda told you how I was "nagtatampo" coz we never had the time to push through.
But I let that pass, hoping that when you come back from your trip, things will be okay. Or at least we get to go on with our plans. But yeah, they STILL didn't push through. Which sucked. That was TOTAL DOWN TIME for me. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I was not sure of myself and what I can do. I lost that drive that I had for my career path. I felt that I was paralyzed or something. Which sucked.
I know that we never really talked about this, that's true. I was having a hard time expressing myself especially if it's on the spot or something. Or whatever. you know how i am. im not good with verbalizing things. rar.
So there. I'm sorry I never really opened up. I didn't know how to say it, and it may seem to be such a DRAMA issue. Being the overly-dramatic, sensitive queen that I am, of course it's a big deal for me.
Initially, nagtampo ako because you didn't stay true to your promise - that you will work things out and we'll do the misadventure together. BUT IT NEVER PUSHED THROUGH. Then, I wanted to "help" you. I really wanted us to find a job together and stuff. Gusto kita hilahin. I want to be some sort of "good influence" to you, but I can't so that made me feel bad.. like I can't be like that.
After some time, through your help and those from my friends, I realized that maybe you needed more time. That I should mind my own business.But I lacked the drive to continue. that's why i "paused" for a month. but i know, the issue was still there. Like now, it surfaced again, but in a different light naman.
it was something more on ME. I know it may sound selfish, but like what i told you, I can't help but feel bad about it whenever it's triggered.
It's kind of as simple as this: I didn't feel prioritized, or important. You somehow always found a way to do things when you liked it... and with our plan not pushing through, I felt that it was UNIMPORTANT. or something. Especially when you started new projects again, and now the sales thing. I know it may seem mababaw, but yeah, I'm such a sensitive ass that I feel that way.
I don't want this to be always a cause for argument too. Maybe I'll just keep silent whenever I'm affected. i don't want you to stop sharing stories just because I feel this way. You know me, I'd rather know all things and be hurt, than knowing nothing at all.
Sorry for being such a nosey-ass bitch. If you hate it like that, i wont say anything more na lang. Thanks.