OMG OMG OMG.
looking at the date today.
[my desire to blog: 23 November : The Family Class, 9:15 am : ended up writing this til my APS Japan Class at around 5:15 pm.]
Oh shit. As I was about to take notes in my Family class, I started by writing down the date. 23 November. I almost collapsed. It's the 23rd of November! HOLY CRAP!!! Hay. Can't believe it has been 2 f*ckin' long years since so-and-so happened. Gawd. I'm positive that if I haven't made myself move on or stuff, maybe until now I would be hanging on to the things we had in the past. 2 YEARS AGO. And yet, sometimes I feel that they are still there. Funny thing is, I was supposed to blog about this for the longest time, especially since I tinkered with my twisted_angel_xxiii email inbox the other day. I felt... restless, disdainful, regretful maybe and bothered. I dunno.
Ang gulo. Minsan parang gusto kong bumalik. Saan? Sa kanya. Ang sama no? Pero minsan lang naman eh. Ewan. Minsan kasi pakiramdam ko pinilit ko lang sa sarili ko na kalimutan ko siya noon. Noong binitawan niya ako, nakahawak pa rin ako. Di ako bumitaw kaagad. Kasi mahal ko siya eh. In a weird way, sobrang mahal ko siya nun. Umiyak ako. After a while, tulad ng nabasa ko sa email, bumabalik sha. Pero teka, backtrack muna tayo. Ilang araw bago niya ako iwanan, mga 8 na araw bago mangyari yun --- lahat na pala ng email niya nagpahiwatig na gusto niya na akong iwan. Lagi na niyang binabanggit na "darating din yung panahon na mawawala ako sa'yo" o kaya "eto lang ang kaya ko, mahal kita pero wala akong magawa". Naisip ko tuloy, napilitan lang kaya siya na hindi ako bitiwan agad kasi umiyak ako? Nagpumilit lang ba ako to stay in the relationship? Matagal na ba niya ako inayawan prior to the pagbitaw? I dunno. Feeling ko, napilitan lang siyang bumalik during the time na umiyak ako nung gusto na niya akong iwan. Shet. Out of pity? Minahal ba niya ako? Ewan sabi eh. =(
Eh di dumating na yung time na bumabalik na siya. Hindi ko siya tinanggap. Shempre nagtira naman ako ng dignidad sa sarili ko. Pero inaamin ko, nung time na yun, mahal ko siya...pero I chose to hold back my feelings. I'm sure na mahal ko siya, pero I was questioning lang talaga kung minahal or mahal niya ako that time. Pero one Christmas Eve we talked about it. We talked about us. If I remember it right, we were supposed to be "together" pero walang formality. I lost the trust, so it's like the person is trying to "win me back". May vagueness, pero I'm glad we were kinda okay then. After two weeks, I was informed (in a rather surprising & hurtful manner) na wala na. Hindi niya ako mahal in a more-than-friends manner. Two weeks? Lokohan ba yun? Kaya nga feeling ko hindi totoo yung samen. Pero para saken, totoo yun. Minahal ko siya. Pero posibleng siya, hindi, diba?
Bakit ba ako skeptical about this? Matagal na to. It's been two long f*cking years. Hello, earth to me... let's just put it this way. Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe. But maybe I just loved you too much. Maybe I still love you --- that I don't know and that is something I don't really hope or wish for. But when you're around, it's just different. I DON'T KNOW! I told you, I don't know.
Gusto ko nga ba bumalik? SA'YO? Ewan ko. Sabi kasi nila kung hindi nagbago isip ko, siguro 23 would still be very much alive. Wehh? Siguro. Pero... diba sabi ko minsan lang yun? Nag-iisip lang ako nun... Pero hindi naman talaga ganun.
Masaya na ako eh.. Hay!
Dapat siguro, ibigay ko na nga ung sulat sa iyo. no?
Pucha ang mushy.. yak.
Because I loved you all my life
And I will forever more
Only I would bear to feel this pain
To remind me that you loved me once before
- "Only I", Dianne dela Fuente